PMDD and Quarantine: A Journey

It was about the time that I was debating my NEED for Pizza Hut very passionately while ALSO doing some serious work on our bag of M&M’s that I knew..the PMS symptoms had arrived.

From about day 2 of Will and I staying home, I had begun to dread what PMDD would feel like during quarantine. From my inability to go get McDonald’s french fries and coke (my comfort), to the migraines keeping me from doing anything I might enjoy during our long days indoors, (to using way too much toilet paper.) And yes I knew those cravings would mean going through too many groceries too.

What I’m not so sure I prepared for, were the emotions. As I’ve known in the past, PMDD can make me feel a bit less creative and excitable, almost like a muted lens has been placed on my days. Despite wanting to feel FULL of energy, I just don’t. I also like to pay a bit more attention to how I feel to make sure I’m in touch with myself, feeling some of those extra feelings that come with those time, but not letting them grab too much of my day too.

But when you place some form of stressor, like a change in routine, an abnormal to do list, in my case if I have to fly on a plane (causes me so much anxiety it was mentioned during our wedding ceremony ;) ), or in this case a pandemic, those can be stressful and ignite some of those feelings all on their own. Place them next to these PMDD symptoms, and they are fully amplified.

I think of it like a building block to stand on. If you think of just those stressors on their own, they get to a certain height. Now think of the addition of the PMDD symptoms on top, and you’ve reached a new height that you would’ve have come to all on your own.

And I’ve come to all of this because I had to experience it…here we go ;)

So on Sunday, I was minding my own business doing my favorite morning things like reading the paper and having coffee, when I looked at Will with snot and tears streaming down my face after reading this week’s Modern Love column. Like on our sunny balcony with people walking by below. Will made me laugh and then told me he was going inside so people didn’t think he was the culprit..fair point my friend.

Then the same happened when I read the front page article on how EMT’s are working in NYC right now. Monday, I found myself unable to make decisions about anything, super stressed about school, and laying on the counter loudly discussing with Will how I just wish everyone could put everything aside and treat one another like HUMANS. (whew, makes my stomach hurt again just thinking about it.)

And then it hit. The feeling like my head and heart are a million pounds of smoke, swirling around, and no way to see through. I sat down on the couch, not really know how to answer Will on what I needed. He offered a warm shower and going to bed early. (The usual routine that helps me feel better when the PMDD hits hard.)

I realized that during this time, a lot of us are feeling fear, are having a hard time with our food changing so much in the home, with our sleep, with worrying, with sadness, that our head and our bodies may already be hurting a little. When we add in the symptomoly of any medical situation, it is going on top of a pretty tall foundation…making it feel that much worse.

I want to point this out because no matter who you are, this time is really really hard. You might have good days, and then you might have hard ones. And that is all absolutely normal and ok. For those of us who have experienced any form of trauma in the past, struggle with anxiety, depression, PMDD, or any other mental diagnosis, I think it is important to remind ourselves that this time might really trigger those symptoms. And it is important to talk that through with the people in our lives too.

I’m so grateful that I am in a home with someone who openly talks with me about how I’m feeling, and I can openly tell him when I notice symptoms starting to present. And I’m grateful that we’ve developed open, honest conversation where we hear one another. Whether that is a friendly reminder that a warm shower often feels like the hug I’m needing, or when perhaps it’s time to put down the newspaper because it’s gone past the point of learning.

I think now more than ever is a time for us to get in touch with all parts of ourselves, and to get in touch with all parts of the people around us. Because those parts are there, and I have a feeling they will really be showing themselves. It’s when we name them, talk about them, and bravely move through them that they become a part of us that is simply part of us, and we all have them.

I am sending love to all us, especially those who are managing a mental diagnosis, or someone who is supporting an individual that is. You are brave, you are whole, and we will get through this together.

PS: I always find a flowy, fabulous dress helps with the mood (and the tum). Mine is from Cheeky Vintage and they are currently doing 20% off with 10% of the sale going to the Houston Food Bank. Happy Shopping!