Scarcity vs. Abundance (A reflection on toilet paper and relationships)

I’ve heard people can get in big debates over whether the toilet paper should unroll from the top or the bottom. Beyond that, I never looked to toilet paper as something that could teach us something profound about our relationships with others. However, it was through giving grace to those who are nervous about their TP quantities that I learned a great deal more about my own relationship, and I think it is something we can all understand.

Think of something that you have desperately needed that was thought to be in low supply or high demand. (In other words, scarce.) Maybe it was watching the bank account get low, and you felt like you couldn’t sleep until you saw the numbers go up, that swimsuit you had been eyeing online with the “only two left” mark next to your size, maybe if you’re like me, it was sitting in the waiting room on Stubhub for Lana Del Rey tickets to go on sale, knowing that you had to be there, along with thousands of other hopefuls. If you reflect back on that moment, what did it feel like? Was your mind racing to find a solution, your breath shorter? Maybe those lovely sweaty palms or fuzzy brain?

While I have full faith that we can get creative should our toilet paper run out, it’s usually a basic item that we all have on hand. This little friend called “scarcity” has a way of making us pine after something we believe to be hard to get or in limited supply like it’s all we need. We might even miss the rolls in the closet, or noticing that the stores are restocking frequently, all because we are going so fiercely after what we think we can’t have.

Thinking this way, it might make a bit of sense that as humans, we would do our frantic best to make for certain our cabinet was stocked and the uncertainty was left outside with our germs. But imagine this tunnel vision scarcity in our relationships. We have a biological and emotional need to be connected and even feel love, but what if we think it is in short supply or hard to get?

It was during couples therapy this past week that I realized this is how I have been functioning. Ironically, it was when this time of scarcity came about, and I slowed down. And I began to feel what it feels like to love from a place of abundance.

It was somewhere between describing to our therapist how anxious I feel in the few hours each day that Will and I have together to make sure we are maximizing them because if we aren’t we’re missing out on these precious times to be connecting and loving and sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s happening (yes I know, exhausting…exactly how I described it in therapy so sharing the whole frantic stress with you all too ;)) that she explained the difference between living from a place of abundance, or the calm that you have your needs met, or scarcity, feeling like you have to work to make sure everything you need is there.

While it might sound like a lot written above, I think scarcity can be validated in so many little, everyday ways. Ways like feeling down when Will plays a video game, because that’s time we could be connecting after a long day. It’s being bummed when we don’t have the same enthusiasm about an activity. It’s feeling awful when you’re tired or sick or have a headache and don’t have enough energy to make it an exciting Saturday. Its trying to create all these meaningful moments because for some reason if you don’t they won’t happen. And it’s exhausting.

Looking back, I did this with our engagement, and in our wedding. I was trying to create all these meaningful moments…and much like missing the toilet paper you already have, I think I was so worried about creating these moments of love that I was missing the ones that were naturally happening. It’s when I look back on these moments from a place of abundance that I feel whole, and feel peacefully confident at how beautiful each moment was in those parts of our story. I share this not because I didn’t like our engagement time or wedding, but because I most certainly had anxiety and expectations high during these times. I think scarcity will do that to you.

It has been during this time of slowing down while being at home that I now realize I shifted to a place of abundance. And while I didn’t have the words for it until our therapy session, I felt it happening. I no longer feel like I’m in a race with the clock. It’s no longer a this or that, just a matter of when. And with this peace of mind has brought the ability to stop trying to craft the moments or feelings that I want, that I’ve started to notice that they’re already happening.