My Journal- 3/23/20

Below is a copy of my personal journal from this week. Perhaps it resonates with a place in your heart too. And if not I hope to share a bit of mine.

I’m sitting on my porch, the fruit trees have just started to bloom…the lemon only today! It’s becoming those balmy times in Texas where it’s starting to heat up, but the cooler days and the cool breeze can still mostly be found.

Life has changed quite a lot due to quarantine. But in so many ways we’ve slipped seamlessly into a routine that includes all of the things that I love. Slow mornings with sleep, walks in the spring seeing small pops of color that are tiny blooms, listening more closely to silence and the mourning doves. Time spent on the porch during a season that is normally all too busy to feel the coolness of spring from our own homes. Days spent with the door open and the candles burning. Blinds open, lamps on, coffee with jazz.

We’ve paused to notice ourselves. And we’ve paused to notice each other. We’ve slowly stretched our bodies, made space in our minds. We’ve felt what it feels like to make love.

We’ve been given the space to appreciate silence. To feel at peace with time apart. To be less in a race with the clock and moving with what we need and how we feel. To drifting to bed with the smells of basil bread and a smile hanging on from Julia Child’s sweet voice.

That is what our bubble feels like. When we don’t open the door to the news, to emails, to must do’s, to empathy, to fear. When reflecting on the guilt that rises when considering to politely close the door on all of those hard facts and feelings, I am reminded of something.

There is a saying on Social Work that in order to care for others, we must take care of ourselves. Imagine a constant open house to the world today and you are the hostess. Quite quickly your guests’ responses to “how are you?” would fall unheard as your mind quickly fills with all there is to take in.

Rather, imagine when a friend calls and really needs to talk. You may say “of course!” Some may say “I have 30 minutes.” But no matter what, we always call them back. Our world, our communities, our neighbors and our friends need us right now. If that means a scheduled “open house” where you let the news, the needs, and the fears in, and eventually shut it off by the time on the invitation, that is ok. If you need today off because you spent the day yesterday holding all of it in your heart, that is ok. the, and best show up with an open

I believe that when we take the time of allowing joy and care into our hearts, when the world feels so other than, we give ourselves a (much needed) hug. That hug is what allows us to breathe, and best show up with an open mind, heart, and hands for our world that needs us tomorrow.

And as I am journaling today, and open the door to the unexpected joys of this very uncertain time, I am also holding those who are working in any capacity to care for the world right now. And I am holding those in fear, and in need, and those so far from a porch on a spring day. And I’m pausing to feel all of it at once. The word privilege keeps running through my mind.

Turning my face to the sun, closing my eyes, and taking a deep breath, I smile and let go. I will go smell the lemon and tangerine blossoms, and go on to the next part of my day.

A piece still doesn’t feel right, as I feel as if who am I to blissfully wipe my mind clear of the great needs in the world. I am reminded of what I just said, that running on empty, from a place of deep, saddened empathy and fear, I will not be of value. But rather, I can be vulnerable to say I am uncertain, I am finding the balance of caring for myself and others and our world. Today, this is what I know. And each day, I will keep showing up to myself and our world, each day, come sun or clouds.

With so much deep love, Tayler.