When It's Time to Talk to Someone

Note: this post is about when I was struggling with feeling quite down, and how I sought professional help. If you don’t feel in the space to read more details about something a bit heavier, please stop reading now and come back for the next post. Please note this is also written from a personal perspective as a friend, and not as a medical professional.

I was sitting on my bathroom floor, computer on my lap and charger running up to the counter. I’m never one for door slamming or walking out, but in this moment I’d put myself in the bathroom, one of the only private spaces in our tiny apartment. I wanted to be alone and wanted to be held all at the same time. I needed a hug, but what came out was pushing away. Quite a while later, when the tears had slowed and my husband came to lift me off the floor, I think we both knew. It was time to talk to my doctor.

I share this because I am not on the bathroom floor today, in fact it’s been quite a while since that happened. And it doesn’t feel raw. But I do know that whether there has been more tears and you’re just not sure why, or perhaps you too are feeling like pushing people away, or somewhere along the lines of just not feeling like yourself, there are an awful lot of people who at one point or another may also be struggling with feeling down. But for one reason or another, we don’t receive the care we need to help us feel better.

For quite some time, I had known that I struggled with PMS symptoms. If I noticed that all of a sudden I was feeling very sensitive or easily upset, I’d learned to check in with myself and see where I was at in my cycle. We had a system in our relationship where I learned to vocalize to Will “it’s about that time and I’m feeling it. I just wanted to give you a heads up.” It was a way of checking in to try and be gentle with myself and try to put my emotions into perspective and calm them down. It was also a way for Will to know that now probably wasn’t the time for any tough conversations. But even with that, no matter how much I could tell myself the tears are just from my body, not because something is really that hurtful or upsetting, it wouldn’t keep them from coming.

We functioned, and it was ok, though I wouldn’t say it was great. And then I noticed it getting worse. It felt like only days in between the tears, and the sadness felt heavier. And so, on that day, my husband and I agreed,  I shouldn’t have to feel this way always, and it was time to talk to a medical professional.

This was the second time a doctor has told me that they think I have PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder). For me, my body has a hard time processing the hormones when my body does what it’s supposed to do. So not only did I learn to understand what was happening with my body, I was also able to get tools and tactics to help me feel better.

If you ask both Will and I, it’s an amazing difference and we both feel so happy to see that heaviness lifted. I share this because from dealing with a hard time in life, to something that doesn’t seem quite right, a lot of us struggle in different ways. But I noticed that even for a mental health advocate, finding the courage and understanding to take myself to the doctor took a long time. I’m not entirely sure why. Perhaps we think that it’s just something that we can work through, “that we should be able to manage”. I’m here to tell you that no matter how small or large of a change you notice, you deserve to feel better. And taking that step is always full of strength, vulnerability and resilience. No where in there do we use the words shame, weakness, or any of the other words we can sometimes think of ourselves in that time.

No matter if it is something that will help from talking to a licensed professional, or exploring more thoroughly with a doctor, we all deserve to feel the sunshine. Even if you’re just curious, there isn’t harm in having the chance to sit and chat with someone, and I hope you’ll give it a chance.

To find someone to talk with about what you may be experiencing, you can reach out to your doctor (either for a referral or to speak to them directly), Google “therapist in (your zip code or city)” or you can even check out your local University as they often have mental health services open to the public. And of course, if you are ever experiencing an emergency, dial 911 or reach out to the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

With all my love and light.